That is the question I asked myself pretty much every day during my first year. I graduated in December 2017 and could not wait to get into my own classroom. My student teaching was incredible and I thought I was really making a difference. I walked away from that 6th grade classroom feeling wonderful about how it went and the relationships I had made with the students and staff. I had wonderful references, a great resume, and a wonderful support system behind me.
Let me just say, I still feel this way about teaching and I still love it just as much as I did during student teaching. My passion has not dwindled and I do not think I am any less of a teacher after my first year. But, I was still asking myself, "Is this really where I belong? Is teaching really my dream?" almost every day when I started my ONE HOUR commute to and from school.
My first year was in a 5th grade classroom in a very small school. For this district, 5th grade was in the middle school with 6-8th grade. I taught all subjects, and even two extras (Genius and Exploratory). Students rotated classes every two hours, so I had a total of 51 students. I loved each and every one of them, as I should, but there were a few that really gave me a run for my money. It's important to note that during my student teaching, I never went home asking myself these questions and thoroughly enjoyed going to school every day. There were rarely issues or behaviors I couldn't handle, and I always went home ready to go back the next day. I definitely cannot say that about my first year on my own.
Do I think I succeeded in my first year of teaching? Yes. I think I did my best with what I was given and I went out of my way to make sure the students were loved, taken care of, and learned what they were supposed to learn. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Could I have done better? Oh, definitely, YES. But, I made relationships with the students and parents and taught them to always be kind, in every situation. Some students didn't like me, and as I reflect on my first year, I know that's okay. You are not going to be every person's cup of tea, and I definitely was not. I learned more about myself in the last 10 months than I think I've ever learned. There are certain students from my first year that I'm totally okay never seeing again. There are also way more students that I love and will keep up with throughout the years. I assume that's pretty normal, but what do I know? I'm just a barely second year teacher.
I would never say that my teaching program in college didn't do everything to prepare me for being a real teacher, but I honestly believe that no teacher preparation program can EVER fully prepare you for the things you have to deal with as an actual, real-life, teacher. IEP meetings. What's that? Behavior Management Plans? Never made one. Writing students up/calling parents? Fake phone calls/letters really don't do that justice. College can only prepare you for so much and student teaching is a breeze compared to doing everything on your own. Last year, I attended multiple IEP meetings and basically had no idea what I was talking about. I called parents, dreading what was going to be said or blamed on me, and it usually ended up totally fine. There were so many instances last year that I totally "winged" or "flew by the seat of my pants" on.
If you're reading this, and you're a first year teacher, please know that this won't be how it is for everyone and maybe if I chose a different district, was hired somewhere else, or lived closer to my school, my year would have been different. Really, though, it doesn't matter where you live or what district you're in. Teaching is HARD. It will never be easy, but I have no doubt that it does get easier. Your first year is solely you figuring out what it means to be a teacher and how that fits into your life. My family relationships suffered, my marriage suffered, my friendships definitely suffered, and I realize that now that I'm sitting at home and don't have to stress about a job that was not worth a second thought. That seems harsh, but I wasn't the only one that felt this way. Several teachers left for better pay, better support, and an all-around better culture. If I can tell you one thing to look for when you're interviewing, it's how the district supports their teachers. Is there new teacher training? Mentors that actually care about helping you? Buddy systems for new teachers? Ask these questions. I thought I asked, and I thought I got an answer I liked, but turns out, that wasn't the case. Support is the number one thing a teacher needs, and it's also the number one thing a lot of administration is lacking.
Don't worry everyone, I'm teaching in a different district this year and it is already so much better. I spent my first year teaching knowing from pretty much September that it wasn't where I was supposed to be. Here's hoping that next year shows me what teaching should really be like and I fit in much better. I already have high hopes!
Below you'll find a list of things I learned about myself during my first year of teaching. Some good, some bad, some whatever. It was definitely an eye-opening experience.
1. I'm sort of a yeller. Never thought I was, never once yelled during my student teaching, but when it's warranted, it's warranted.
2. I have control issues. This is something I did know before, but it became glaringly obvious. I like to do things my own way, and teaching in a partnership where we are all doing the same stuff all the time and taking the same tests, isn't really my forte. Luckily, I'm self-contained this coming year and will teach all the subjects to the same group of kids. Which means, my way or the highway. No shame.
3. When I'm struggling, I tend to let everything else slip away. A lot of my friendships didn't do so well during my first year of teaching because I was struggling and didn't want to share that with anyone. That's something I'm currently working on this summer.
4. I'm not a very good organizer. I thought I was, but 20 papers times 8 classes makes for a whole lot of filing and I'm really bad at that. Also something I'm working on this summer. We'll see how that goes!
5. Last but not least, I am way more grounded than I was starting out. That seems weird after having a not-so-good year, but it just taught me that I have to do what is best for me, even if that means choosing myself over my job sometimes. Our students are always our top priority, but my husband, our family, and our life has to come first. If that's the only thing you learn from this, then I've done what I set out to do.
Bonus: I'm not as cool as I thought I was. Just kidding, but really. I never learned to floss, no matter how many times my kids tried to teach me, and I still can't get on board with their rap music. However, they did think I was pretty cool when I'd play 'Old Town Road', so I was winning at something.
Always remember, YOU are the only thing that is guaranteed. Your attitude, the way you look at things, and the way you live your life are all choices that you make for yourself. Make them good ones.
-K
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