I was talking to a friend recently that I haven't talked to as much as I should. He asked, "How's your writing going?" and I reluctantly admitted to him that it was pretty much non-existent for the time being. I could make excuses about how busy I've been, or how there's been too much going on, but I won't. Yes, those things are true. Yes, I am very busy. Yes, I have a lot going on. But... Who doesn't? That friend also reminded me that I had chosen writing as one of my "Big Rocks." My initial reaction to this reminder was to be frustrated that I was being called out on not keeping up with the things I claimed were most important. I mean... I know that already, right? I beat myself up about it all the time. Then, I thought about it and realized that it is of no fault but mine that I put something on the back burner that deserves a front row spot. Why? Fear, maybe. Laziness and procrastination? You bet.
Living my life in a 'Highly Effective' mindset is not something that happens overnight or even in a year or two. It takes time, effort, and determination. I had a conversation with one of my 5th graders the other day that sort of opened my eyes to how I've felt about some things lately, as well. This student was really upset because he felt like no one cared about his ideas and opinions, and he was really hurt because he has so many things going on in his life that no one knows about. We sat outside my classroom full of 21 other kiddos, and we just talked. We talked about the fact that everyone is fighting a battle in their own head, even if you can't see it. Everyone has something going on at home or with their friends and family, and maybe they don't talk about it. We also talked about how that is okay, and just because they also have things going on that does not mean his feelings are not valid. He's allowed to be upset and worried about his personal life at school. And on the other hand, we also have to be understanding of their feelings and lives, so much so that we understand when they aren't so keen on worrying about our personal problems. We walked back into the room together after taking a couple seconds to just breathe. We walked back in, not upset or thinking about all those things going on in our heads, but ready to shift our thinking and do what we know is our personal best. Perhaps what that student didn't realize, though, is how much that talk affected me, too.
What really resonated with me after our talk was: It's easy to tell students or other people when they're not doing their personal best, but why is it SO hard to hold yourself to the same standard? I have so many conversations with my students, especially now that we're talking about being more proactive people. I'm always reminding them how their reactions are solely up to them, and how they handle situations cannot be changed by anyone else but them. Maybe they aren't listening, or maybe they are. My hope is that they're internalizing what I'm saying and they go home wondering how they can be more effective the next day. I know I won't make a difference for all of them. They may not even remember my name 20 years from now. But I hope they do. I hope they remember that I was 100% open with them about the struggles I'm facing on my 7 Habits journey. I hope they remember the day that I told them I was sorry for being more reactive than proactive, and they also remember that I admitted that I'm struggling with that part most of all. Maybe they go home and they forget all about what I tell them. But maybe.. Just maybe, they go home and they tell their parents how I had a bad day, but I turned it around and shifted my thinking by being honest with them. If I can't be honest with 10 year-olds, I don't know how I can ever be honest with myself.
This post is all over the place, and that's probably because I haven't written in a while. My intent was to tell you guys how I've started journaling before bed. Not every night, although that's my goal, but most nights. I've read how journaling is supposed to help anxiety and getting out of your own head. I honestly haven't been doing it long enough to say whether that's true, but I write about my days and how I'm feeling. The entries usually include how school went, how I'm feeling emotionally, and how much I desperately miss my husband. He is working away and it's been a few weeks since I've seen him. I couldn't tell you when the next time will be, and that hurts. Writing about what hurts is supposed to be helpful. I guess we'll see. It's a recurring theme that I also write about not writing. Sad, right? x
There's a famous writer, Julia Cameron, who talks about how any writing at all is helping you on your journey to actually writing what you want. She does this thing called "Morning Pages" where when you get up, you write three pages of literally anything. That could include your schedule for the day, what your plans are, how you're feeling, even excerpts from a book you'll hopefully, maybe, someday write. It's honestly just to get you in the habit of writing. Now, I won't pretend like I'm doing it right. Journaling has been my intro to the morning pages..except I do it at night. I am NOT a morning person. Usually, I'm waking up with just enough time to get ready and make it to school before I'm supposed to. Morning Pages are a personal goal of mine that I have yet to attain. In the mean time, I'm writing in my journal and I'm working toward that goal.
I try to be open with myself and my students about my daily failings so they see that it really is okay to make mistakes. In true cheesy fashion, I tell them that if you're not failing, you're probably not trying. At 10 years old, that's hard for some of them to understand, but that's what I'm there for, I guess. I don't know that this blog made sense, or was even worth writing, but here it is.
Here, also, is your daily reminder that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to 'forget' to do something because you just can't muster up the energy that day. It is OKAY to need help, and it is 10,000% okay to ask for it.
If you're reading this, first of all - thank you, and second, please remember that you are enough. Always enough.
-K.
Trying something new here, but I'm going to put my goals for the week out there. Maybe this will hold me accountable.
Goals:
1. Morning Pages - Wake up 30 minutes earlier to write. Write 3 pages. Write more.
2. Keep up with my friends more. Check in. Often.
3. Make the shift from reactive to proactive. One day at a time.
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